Can’t cry?

“I just can’t seem to cry. I often ask why I lack that emotion. I just don’t cry.”

That’s not me, of course. If you’ve read my blog for quite a bit now, you would have realized I’m a fountain, or rather a waterfall, that with just a little painful nudge, tears just flow without end. Perhaps you could say I’m a very emotional person… or a crybaby. Whichever. Fact is I cry… a lot.

Somebody just told me the statement above. Have you ever met a similar person before? You do? You don’t? Tell me about it because to me, that’s just plain illogical. Every normal human being cries. It’s a human emotion in response either to sadness or even happiness. Lack of it? Abnormal. Here’s a pretty good excerpt from a psychologist who wrote on crying:

Crying is not a sign of weakness but rather a feature of the human adaptive process.  In crying we are not losing our grip or going out of control. Actually, we are helping our tensed muscles and stressed emotions to relax. So tears have a very positive function in helping us to cope with the waves of grief which come and go as we gradually adjust to the pain of loss.

When we love someone deeply we become bonded to them in a very special way.  The loss of a loved person causes us to go through the process of “letting go” of these bonds.  This process is known as mourning.  Tears are part of the external expression of the emotional pain and physical tension which we experience as a normal reaction to loss. Our need to cry is evidence that we have loved.

In response to joy or humour, we laugh and this is normal. Why then should we discredit our need to cry in response to sadness or despair, when crying is also a normal human reaction?

Another statement from a scientific site wrote:

Humans, however, can and do dissolve into tears for any number of reasons. Cleansing the eye, relieving stress, conveying pain, communication, and societal assimilation can all lead to an empty tissue box. So weeping after that sappy movie might not mean that you are a total wuss after all. In fact, it may mean that you are behaving like a perfectly normal human being.

Another medical doctor further elaborates it in the context of men who cries in a newspaper article:

Medically speaking, men do cry, when the situation or his emotion demands this natural act, because he is a normal human being. He has feelings, compassion, and tenderness, just like a normal woman does. Yes, men do cry all over the world.

There is one medical condition in which I can think of where the sufferer is unable to produce tears. Sjögren’s syndrome. A condition where the person’s own immune system attacks his/her exocrine glands – pretty much your glands that secrete tears and saliva. That COULD explain the person’s dilemma above…but unless the person is suffering from lack of saliva and extremely dry eyes, then the likelihood of Sjögren’s is highly unlikely.

Other psychological conditions? Perhaps alexithymia – a lack of emotions, limiting a person to react effectively to people, places and things, leaving the individual utterly lacking in the fundamental skill of emotional intelligence. What’s worse of the spectrum would be athymia – complete absence of affect of emotivity. Just plain nothingness. Empty. These sometimes are symptoms of schizophrenia and depression.

So, is it normal to cry? Yes, absolutely. I’ve seen it in every person I know… even if it’s just a little welling up. Can’t cry? Abnormal. Here’s a simple conclusion I can think of. Unless the person is suffering from Sjögren’s, alexithymia or athymia, then the statement above was a lie. No normal human being just can’t cry. Another simple explanation: the situation didn’t affect the person enough to invoke tears, let alone affect the person at all.  True? False? You tell me.

what’s going on…

First of all, I’d like to apologize for the lack of activity these few days – have been involved with so much – physically, emotionally and socially. It drains me out that I barely have the time to sit down and write at the end of the day. It’s a good thing though. Not complaining… as you would have read before. It’s good to forget the troubles.

Anyhooo..so what have I been up to lately, you ask? Well, first of all there’s the first experience of being a legal adult. What, do I hear you say? Why, voting as a citizen of Malaysia, of course! What else? I was excited as a little kid when I drove there and doing everything by myself (which isn’t much, actually – doesn’t take an adult to figure that out!).

There’s the typical party booths outside the polling station as expected. I was quite surprised at the amount of policemen who were assigned to secure the place. Perhaps there’s a lot of tension and fear in the air…but I was giddy with delight as I stepped into the school. I was ready to make my voice heard… on a piece of paper.

This was the voting paper for the Cheras constituency. Now, if you do your math and calculate the margin slide at which the winner got his victory, you could most probably guess correctly the percentage of Cheras people who favoured the winning party and its rep. Now apply that statistics to the likelihood of which party I had voted for, then I don’t have to show you the picture of my voting paper with the cross mark. lol. I know I just wrote a messy incomprehensive paragraph, but it doesn’t matter to me at the moment. Just glad that the results reflected the true voices of the people of Malaysia. Now I just pray that those who had won would use their given powers wisely for the benefit of the people. You can be guaranteed that I’ll make sure the person I voted for does his job… even if it takes me writing to him a letter or two.

 

OK. That probably just occupied you for a few minutes in one day, you say, what else could possibly make you so terribly busy that you can’t afford to write a sentence or two on your blog, did I hear you plead? Welllll, there is a new addition in my life. We met just last week, already my hands are full with caring for him. He’s so cute and adorable, but more often than not, I’ve been left quite irritated with him and breathless just trying to catch up with him. At this point, we’re just planning for something temporary. Nothing permanent has been thought or planned out. Things could change, but so far, so good… I hope. I don’t know. We’ll see.

 

Who could it be, did I hear you bursting out in question?

Well, it’s none other than….

 

…him. I’ll write more about him soon.

Based upon the poll results on your right (so far), it seems that there are some who would prefer for me to stay here in Live Spaces? Why laa? I’ve been busy prepping up and decorating my new home. It’s not going to be anything fanciful and it’s going to be downright simple. But really, I’d like to know why some would like me to stay.. those of you who voted, email me! I’d really like to move though. Get ready to change the link on your RSS feeds. Will write whenever there are updates on it! Thanks!

 

Malaysian General Elections

March 8, 2008 will be the day Malaysia decides the direction of her future…. and I get to be a part of it! Ever since I was a child, I’ve been counting the years until I will old enough to vote and when it was announced that elections were drawing near, I made sure I registered myself as a legal voter as soon as I could… and the opportunity is finally here.

Even before my exams back in Batu Pahat I’ve been reading a lot of political news online – both from the mainstream media and alternative news sites and I gotta tell you, politics is one very interesting field to be in. All the drama, people, issues and noble talks. The situation in Malaysia which I read was not surprising to me, but what took me was how much length certain groups of people are doing to uphold justice, equality and creating a safe environment in our nation. I didn’t realize the numbers were that great… or possibly because of the many years of exposure to the internet, many have come to realize the real picture of our nation’s policy and economy. Of course, not forgetting the events which took place prior to this – such as the Bersih rally (in pleading for a just and uncorrupted election), the Hindraf rally (where Indians plead for equality) and of course, who could forget the famous VK Lingam’s case (where the judiciary system is questioned).

I’ve read enough, seen enough pictures and heard enough to make my decision. Actually most of the news I read can often be so disheartening that there were times I felt like I wanted to run away from my own home country… but then again, which country is ever free from problems? But come Saturday, the people will have their chance to speak out through their votes.

Let’s just pray that this elections will be fair and clean, that the people will vote wisely based upon real circumstances and not based upon empty promises and that the nation can move forward. Can’t wait to vote!!

PS: I was very disappointed when the Election Commission decided to cancel the indelible ink system. I really wanted to have it on my finger. Anybody ever wondered why it was cancelled so suddenly a few days before elections?

(Oh right, there might be a strong possibility that I will move to WordPress soon…not yet, but soon. Am trying to research and get that new home ready for moving in. Keep checking back for updates. Thanks!)

Looking for a new place

I’ve been thinking of moving my weblog out of Live Spaces for quite a while now, but haven’t quite decided where to move to (although I’ve already started really checking out WordPress). The thing I really liked about Live Spaces is that it alerts those on my msn contact whenever I have updated my blog. Another problem would be transferring all the data and posts I’ve had since I started to the new site – which I have no idea how to. I’m looking for a place with really cool themes, great layouts and easy accessibility. Am wondering if there might be a blocking feature too. I’m not sure.

Anybody has any good suggestions as to where I should move to?

Chores

To those of you who don’t know me very well, I usually release my frustrations and distract my sadness by immersing myself with plenty of household chores – cleaning, washing, ironing, you name it. Apart from the fact that I have an obsessive compulsive disorder (which I will dwell more in another post another day) I personally do think that it is a great way of de-depressing because:
1. I benefit in return with a clean place and clean stuff
2. I get to lose some weight (especially when accumulated from Chinese new year!)
3. I don’t have to interact with anyone when doing the chores, thus expressing myself freely without restrain.
4. the only objects abused are probably brooms, mops and dirty cloths.
5. the angrier/sadder/frustrate-er I am, the better I clean.
6. when I get all tired from the work, I can easily sleep without having to think too much before bedtime.

These days have been difficult – a lot of worries, heartaches and disappointments from various different situations…one after the other after the other. Last night was one and the ultimate mother of all bombs came in an email which I received at about 3 plus in the afternoon. Not new news, but a painful reminder of the hurt which still is within me.

Hence, the long list of chores I did today. It has been a very productive one, I should add. From the several hours I had since morning, I’ve…

1. chauffeured my sister back and forth from school (I’m officially her new driver now)
2. chauffeured my brother to the train station for work (also becoming his new driver)
3. hung, dried and folded all of last night’s laundry
4. washed everybody’s bed sheets (with the machine of course) and hung them out to dry in two loads
5. vacuumed and mopped my entire condo
6. cleared out all my trash from my bedroom and neatly arranged my sister’s and my table
7. washed my car and its mats AND vacuuming every piece of dirt including the trunk (something we don’t do on a regular basis and my car is EXTRA sparkling clean since it was done after reading the email)
8. made dinner for my family (I didn’t know I could do it either.. and mind you, it’s not instant noodles)
9. washed the dishes and the pots and pans (which is my regular chore anyway)

Based upon the list of what I’ve done, you’d probably be able to gauge how ‘ughs’ I’m feeling and how much I needed to do the chores to calm me down. Now the danger to it is that I would certainly run out of things to do… such as tomorrow, since I’ve basically cleared out my home. When you run out of things to do, then you’re made to sit and do nothing and the thoughts just start rolling and running horridly. SO… I’ve made a short list of a few things which I could do tomorrow…

1. Go to the post office and settle some stuff (I wanted to do that first thing this morning, but somehow things didn’t work out that I could go in the morning)
2. Help my mom iron the clothes (there’s a huge load since she has been very busy lately)
3. Possibly make more meals (lunch, dinner… dessert anyone?)
4. Help dad update the church directory for publication
5. Fix the home computer (not my laptop… something’s wrong with the network connection -I have no idea what, but that’s a good thing. Time is spent finding out)
6. Help my brother settle the logistics for the upcoming youth camp which really needs urgent attention
7. Help my sister with homework (Actually, I don’t even mind doing it for her! Anything to get me busy…!!!)

Do you need help? I need chores to de-stress. Help!

What do the tears mean?

Just finished with a gruelling session of talks, arguments, point of views, debate…whatever you want to call it, and through that all, I could shed nothing but tears. Genuine hurtful painful tears. We were talking of problems in relation to people very close to our hearts and let me tell you, the tears meant the problem affects us. The tears show that we really care for these people and their situation. The tears also could have been shed as the wounds of past hurts broke down and bled. In short, the situation is important to us… always have been in the past and even now in the present, and the tears were also shed in fear for what is to come. Even as I cried, I was reminded of my own pain and situation which I still hold so dear to me, yet the hurt cuts deep.

To those of you who understand what I’m talking about, let me say that I DO understand what you all are going through… believe it or not. I HAVE been in situations similar to yours. When I don’t talk about it does not mean I don’t understand.. or worse, that I do not care. I think it sickens me even more that people think I am stern or strict in these kind of situations, when all I really wanted and prayed for is their utmost benefit and that they will live lives that glorifies God… in every aspect of it, especially in relation to others. That when I teach, I want to show that joys can be experienced within boundaries which have been set by God. It has never ever been my ill intent to ruin the happiness (Please note that there is a huge difference between happiness and joy) of theirs, but I believe that when I see something is wrong, I truly believe that corrections must be showed. They may not be ready to see it or to learn it, but I still believe correct ways MUST be told… if not, how will they know? The Lord gave us laws and rules for a reason.

I know that I have been placed in a position of authority to teach and to guide. It may fall on deaf ears, but that does not change my role. Yes, people fall and all that, but there is always a place for rebuke, in fact God even speaks of punishment, there is also even a place for confession and repentance. To learn from mistakes and to grow from it. Yes, some may not see the mistakes, thus not growing from it, but when you have seen the implications of it from the past, it is engrained in our minds to remind us of the mistakes we have made in the past. God gave us the ability to have memory for a reason. To remember His faithfulness to us and His love for us for when the times we have failed Him, and to also remember the reason why we have failed Him in the first place.

I really really pray that this time round will be a life changing event – that hearts are renewed and passion for living for the glory of God is birthed. An old girl like me can only take so much… I am striving to be like Christ, but don’t make me Christ.