Blogging has become quite therapeutic for me, because I’m forced to reflect and soon enough I get some of my thoughts made right and become at peace in the end. So please bear with me as I rant and therapeuterize myself.
I don’t feel Christmasy at all. Nothing. Ziltch. Yeah, it’s in the head that Christmas day is coming and all that, but there’s no warm goody happy feeling inside. It’s as though I’m outside in the cold and just watching the window where all the joyful things are happening inside, but I don’t feel any bit of the warmth. This is a bad sign. With the big day coming in a week’s time, I’m still at my miserable end. I’ve done all that I can do, mind you… been drowning myself with Christmas songs which I once used to love so much and it doesn’t seem to work. WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME???
Maybe I lack the Christmas shopping trips (which I’m so deprived of) to take in all the lights and decorations and music…
Maybe it’s the fact that I have to come back to Batu Pahat on Christmas day itself…
Maybe it’s the lack of all the busy-ness of Christmas which I’ve been so used to – practicing dances and choir and deco and plays and activities…
Maybe it’s because I feel so bogged down with so many things running through my mind – the numerous papers that’s due, the fear of the next super crazy posting coming right after Christmas, the headache from all the job application documents and its ridiculous process, the disappointments, the broken hopes and dreams, the uncertainty of the future. Honestly, I’m not captured by the moment… there’s no awesome wonder, goodness, and the fact that the year 2008 is coming in days doesn’t even strike me at all. I have been looking forward to this year for a very long time. Been dreaming about this year ever since I first started in Medical School. 2008 was all I dreamt about and longed for. It’s almost here.
No joyful feeling. No excitement.
Rather, it’s more of the opposite. It’s dull. It’s depressing.
The Christmas story has faded and became so familiar. I’ve lost that fresh spirit even as I remember the birth of my Saviour.
I was reminded of this song today…
Christmas isn’t Christmas, ’til it happens in your heart
Somewhere deep inside you is where Christmas really starts
You got that right, it isn’t in my heart at all, because it’s so clouded and smoked up with all the problems of my life, I can’t feel it’s Christmas at all
So give your heart to Jesus, you’ll discover when you do
Then it’s Christmas, really Christmas for you
That seemed to be a reasonable solution… to just give that cold stone heart to Him.
Jesus brings warmth like a winter fire, a light like a candle’s glow
He’s waiting now to come inside as He did so long ago
Jesus brings gifts of truth and life, and makes them bloom and grow
So welcome Him with a song of joy, and when He comes, you’ll know
No, I haven’t been miraculously transformed into a gleeful person yet just by remembering this song. But I guess it somehow served as a reminder that Christmas won’t ever be the kind of Christmas I once fondly knew, if I let all the troubles of the present freeze my heart. It has to start from within me and not from all the decorations and ornaments and music and atmosphere and activities. It has to start within me by committing and surrendering my cold unresponsive heart to Jesus who can warm it up and make me bloom and make Christmas feel like Christmas again. I suppose the troubles will always be there, I don’t expect them to disappear, but I guess one can still be happy in Jesus amidst the storms of life.